Category Archives: Gorram…

I Don’t Walk the Dog

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I’m trying to suss this out. It’s like pulling apart a carpet thread by thread. My Tiger year has been full of challenges and I’ve rose against every single one. The last ditch effort for the Tiger to draw blood has and I’m not sure where I’m at about it.

Trying to balance a year with Fibro, PCOS and Hypothyroid has been hard enough. The focus has been on finding my limits in the treatment available. So the diet is put on hold, so has exercise, though I’m still loosing weight albeit at a slower pace. So far, so good.

Then we went to Vegas. I got sick. It felt like flu but food just lost appeal. Things didn’t taste right for about a month. I started eating cream of wheat for two out of three meals and eating fruit. Not so bad, except for the carbs. I dropped twenty pounds in two weeks. As food became mostly okay again I gained about ten back. Not so bad really but food has only been mostly okay.

Then the falling started. Okay, I’ve always just fell down at odd times. I’m clumsy. M. and I laugh at my collapsible ankles. But it’s gotten worse. I’m falling down more. Down stairs, on flat surfaces, as I walk. I drop things over and over again. Today I broke a glass when I caught my chair so as not to fall at the coffee shop.

Worse things: I hurt my back and TMI problems increase. Then the numbness set in. It seems positional but….no. My fingers go numb when I type or knit. My hand goes numb when I read. My legs go dead when I sit. Over the last month I have to repeat stuff several times jut to get it done.

So doctor. I go and she seems concerned but attributes it to my Thyroid until the exam. She tests my reflexes which have always been good and her brow furrows. Walking and strength tests and I fail them on my right side. My right side has weakened. I tell her I don’t feel week but I’m wrong. That anxious feeling in my muscles is weakness. I am growing weaker.

Now this could still be my thyroid. Waiting for the first round of blood tests. But over the last few days I’m noticing my compensations. Lean to the left, use the wall to walk, slide not lift. My backpack straps are set so my left takes most of the weight. When did I do that? My left has never been as strong as my right and suddenly it carries the weight. Then there is the whole Fibro fog…I think I’ve done things and haven’t. Like, I take a glass out of the sink to put in the dishwasher but it never makes it in. Details are just gone. I can’t remember names or who was with me or what I did. And then it will all rush back in a flood of little pieces which can easily be lost again.

I don’t walk the dog. I know that my daily walk in the morning takes a lot out of me and I’m tired after it. So taking the doberman out is just not something I’m comfortable doing. Before all this, I got a pug because I didn’t have yard and pugs really don’t need walks in the same way other dogs do. So I tell J. Rags is his dog so he should do the walks. And he does.

But it’s a whole different beast when I can’t walk the dog.

I Have a Hole in My Head: Three Days of Hell

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If you’re male and don’t like squicky girl problems then look away. If you’re anyone who doesn’t want to hear me vent and be graphic about squicky girl problems, look the fuck away. You’ve been warned. Also this might not make any sense.

I woke up Monday morning with my left eye swollen shut. I had pretty much expected it because of the hive growing on my nose bridge. Either way I hiked up to the nearest urgent care just in case. And yes, it was part of the allergic reaction I was having to Proactive. (Oh yeah, insult to injury)
That’s right after all that crap and having every single rep lie to me in one way or another I’m also allergic to this crap.

So, they gave me Benadryl and sent me home. I cleaned the house until the swelling went down enough so I could see. That was half a day and most of the money I’d made last week down the drain. Enter pissy mood here. UC also gave me another instruction, stay off all medication until the reaction stops, just in case. That was easy; my script ran out that day so I didn’t take anything and waited.

Put this inside the frame of the fact that this is my week for bleeding all over the floor.

The swelling went down and the hives turned into a large hole off the side of the bridge of my nose. One person told me (on the bus, this was not J.) that it looked like a nice .22 hole and I should get that checked out. Gee thanks.

Then it gets worse.

I take three medications. Metformin for the PCOS. It forces my body to use the insulin in produces rather than store it, according to my doctor, and helps keep the cysts from forming on my ovaries and staying there. Synthroid for hypothyroidism. My thyroid doesn’t function correctly, bad things include crazy weight gain, feelings of being insane, unable to control my emotions, and being cold, very very cold. I also take cyclobenzaprine, a muscle relaxant. It lets me sleep and makes the jarring pain not so bad.

I did okay on Monday felt bad but dealt with it. By Tuesday morning I was in pain, couldn’t remember how to make cream of wheat, and hurt so bad I decided going downstairs to work might be bad idea. I can’t remember how to log into work so I burst into tears. I forgot where the dogs were. I took two sleeping pills to make it through the night since it hurt so much I couldn’t stop crying much less sleep.

It got worse today. I needed to go to the store for tampons. I stood in isle for fifteen minutes trying to remember what I needed. I drove home twice, remembering to get the Christmas tree out of storage turning around and then thinking I was done had to go home. This is fibro-fog and my thyroid acting together to break my brain. Each day has been late to start, hard to finish and all I can do try not to think of the pain. When I can think it’s not rational or in a straight line.

Tomorrow I go back on my meds. I can’t fucking wait. I don’t want to deal with anyone. Everything is irritating tenfold and the people. Well if I had to deal with people today, I’d probably be in jail right now. So no DnD for me tonight. I am not a team player right now.

My problems are transitory. They aren’t that bad. Things will be better tomorrow and it will work itself out. But right now? Right my right shoulder blade hurts and my head hurts and so does my head. I feel like I’m work through cotton and I’m damn fucking cold.

Proactive Week 3 – Charging More Money

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Here’s what I’ve learned so far.

  • Their lotion, mud mask, cleanser and toner are useless. Use any other brand (Olay is much nicer to my skin).
  • Customer Service will lie to you. Just keep calling back till you get someone who will work with you.
  • The key is getting medication with benzoyl peroxide in it. You can get this at Walmart. Then put it all over your face in the morning and at night after toner before lotion.
  • They will continually charge your account if you order from them. You will have to all multiple times to get them to stop. They charged me again today even though I canceled my account.

So far they are claiming that the package was not sent on the 18th (first charge) but on 24th (second charge). The rep claimed that the first should come off my account. Their website changed to show an order (no details or ID) going out today. If I look at past orders it says I have none, not even the original order. The only thing I have is a message from PayPal (two actually) which state they have holds on my account which are waiting for Proactive to activate.

Next week I plan on asking for a supervisor.

Updates and Puppies (Stuffed Squirrel Edition)

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squirrel So why am I wasting time with stuffed squirrels? It’s because I’m procrastinating. I know it. I managed to get very far ahead in NaNoWriMo early in this week so I can finish going through the chapters in Without Honor. I haven’t worked on other things like this blog, the other book or other commitments.

Earlier this week Ragnar stopped eating. It took all week but we finally found out he’d eaten one of Aia’s socks. While I’ll have to talk to Aia later about it, I feel really bad about this whole mess. He’s been a sock stealer since we first got him. I thought I’d been keeping him out of RONR but he managed to get a hold of one anyway. Maybe I dropped it when bringing laundry up and down the stairs and didn’t see it. He’ll be okay and will come home tomorrow. I pretty much stayed home this week instead of going out.

I had a two week moratorium on video games to get a lot of work done. I had a lot of deadlines which I managed to catch up on before November. I really sucked because while I call it a video game moratorium, it was also a knitting/painting/playing of any kind moratorium. I just put my head down and worked. I’m still behind in some ways.

Sick days are more and more frequent. Last night, for example, I was fine…until dinner and then I couldn’t eat it. So back to Cream of Wheat. Good think I like that. I missed the Pathfinder game I play in because of a really bad day the week before.

I got around to fixing the headings, menu and comment colors on the website. I can say now I have finished the new theme. I’m pretty happy with it and how it degrades. I’ve gotten a few comments that Opera has a hard time with it, however it looks find when I view it in Opera. It does skip a bit when you scroll…that seems to be a bug with Javascript in Opera. Not totally sure though. The CSS still needs some tweaking but most of that has to do with me liking cleaner code.

Finally that squirrel. A few of you scratched your heads at that. I’ve always carried a stuffie with me when I write. Various bears, a cat, a gerbil, and now a squirrel. It’s my Gazebo. I can write anywhere. I don’t need solitude or perfected space. Just friends and a chair that doesn’t hurt my back. Silly I know, but it works.

Living with Fibro – Current Attractions

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The first thing some one says when I tell them I have Fibromyalgia is “Isn’t that the disease that no one believes it exists?”

I’m always kind of shocked by that. I didn’t hear of Fibromyalgia until my doctor told me about it last year when I went in feeling horribly tired and achy. I wasn’t able to sleep most nights and it was hard to think. A year there later there I things I know without a doubt and things which still await answers.

I got my copy of Neurology Now today. The first article dealt with heath insurance changes. They always say health care but that’s not what they mean. Health care doesn’t enter into this at all. Colorado’s high risk pool has already been established prior to the Health Care Bill being passed. It got more money out of this.

I have no denial letters that state I was denied for PCOS. I was told this over the phone. Doesn’t matter though Cover Colorado isn’t affordable insurance in the least. The current and future climate is this: you have to pay to get semi-decent price on health care. Yes, it’s that retarded.

There doesn’t seem to be any single way things are done with Fibro. So this is what I know.

There are 11 points and touching them hurts. That’s the first test. Then they take a lot of blood and a lot of tests. They all come back negative, which is good. Then they hook you up for a night of sleep in a hospital. You sleep normally and they apologize for the electrode goop.

Now the drugs start.

Cymbalta – regulates serotonin in your brain to treat depression. This is the “Is it all in your head drug.” The perceived pain, fogginess, fatigue and disorientation are all in your head this will be your final stop. In my case I began going into serotonin overdose. This is not in my head.

Sleeping Pills – Maybe I’m just not getting enough sleep. This made everything worse. I would fall asleep by nine anyway now I was out by six and getting up at noon. I couldn’t function. Sleep was a factor but not what I needed more off.

Lyrica – developed for diabetes related pain this is basically a muscle relaxer. I was incredibly dizzy for about a week and then I was fine.

Let me just re-iterate this for you. I was fine. I could stay up later than nine. I didn’t hurt. I could think.

Lyrica is a muscle relaxant. Lyrica also cost me $500 a week. There is no generic. This is after I have gone without insurance for a month. Doesn’t matter though. My previous insurance plan and Cover Colorado (had I opted to pay for that) didn’t cover Lyrica anyway. The cost is so prohibitive that my pharmacy would call repeatedly asking if I was sure I wanted to buy this. My doc said okay, no more Lyrica. But there are other muscle relaxants that may help at least partially.

Cyclobenzaprine – A lesser muscle relaxant used for migraines. This is generic. I still have days where I can only put one word out at a time and I can’t remember anything. Or days, like today, where my muscles feel like I just ran a marathon. Or both. But I’m sleeping well. My TMJ and CK don’t bother me as long as I take the pills. Mostly I’m good. Mostly.

Horror and Rape, Bullying and Girls – SPEAK

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I was going to write about something else today. I do have posts lined up after all. But this…this man’s reaction to something he clearly doesn’t get…makes me want to scream.

Wesley Scroggins opinion on Speak is malformed at best. Out right dangerous at worst.

Speak deals with bullying and rape. It is a strong book on the fall of a young woman in her society (high school) and terrible abuse behind her fall.

Wesley Scroggins thinks it’s soft porn.

First of all I’d be wary of any teacher, leader or joe-on-the-street that things rape is soft porn. Second porn is the farthest thing from this books theme, plot or character development.

He’s clearly looking of any excuse to ban books, an already deplorable practice. His larger religious agenda is not only suspect but dangerous. Removing cautionary literature from shelves because he gets a rise out of it is sick and makes his position as a community leader untrustworthy.

I read Speak in college as part of a YA course I took during my last year. It spoke to my own experience in high school as well showed how the threat of alienation and separation not only hurts a person but also can lead to dangerous circumstances.

Keep Speak on the shelves.

Of Sun and Towers

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My expectations for this week were to finish the major revisions on my novel, talk about that process, then start the (re)outline for the next novel. That’s still coming. Maybe next week. This turned into a different sort of beast.

My nearly five year old nephew was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes this last Tuesday. It, as apparently most of these diagnosis’ do, came suddenly. My sister was called from his preschool to pick him up. He proceed to fall deeper and deeper into lethargy during the day. She took him to the hospital and they ended up at Children’s with an Insulin drip.

After a day and half they let him out to go to classes for diabetics. We all went with to offer moral support and learn how to take care of him when he was in our care. The pattern is working itself out. The shots and tests are painless or nearly so, and he is taking it well. Management isn’t easy but he’s adjusting. They have a 24 hour emergency line for support no matter when you need it, he’s assigned a doctor, a nurse, a dietitian and a social worker, he got to pick out a bracelet and he gets to show kids his “kit”.

Being me, I wasn’t really angry about it like the parents and the grandparents. Hey, I’m the gal with 3 chronic conditions. I wish I got the support my nephew is getting. I’ve been through the stages of grief with myself. For my nephew I’m just going to have to be damage sponge. Am I scared for him? Hell, yes. But at the same time by caring for him and listening to him and his mom when they need it, I can help ensure (as much as anyone can) he’ll live 100 more years or so.

He’s a good kid, not into candy and soda, loves lunch meat, cheese, and fruit (some veggies). I’m sure he’ll be okay. I’ve seen him go from lethargic to vibrant in the space of a workday. He’ll do.

So forgive me if I’m a little behind. Gotta deal with the sun and tower first.

Musings on Fibromyalgia

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I’m just sitting here thinking about fibromyalgia. This is turning into a bad day for me. I’m in pain and feeling foggy. I forgot to take my morning dose of Flexeril. So I’m paying for it now.

Fibromyalgia is odd in that a good deal of physicians don’t believe it exists. Others use it as a dump diagnosis, as in we’re tired of dealing with so you must have it type of diagnosis. The rest treat it…differently.

Out of the physicians who treat Fibromyalgia there are different camps. Some think it is a symptom of depression. Others treat it like a kind of arthritis. Some think it is neurological. And there is some evidence that it might be part of a retrovirus. There are new studies going on now so hopefully we’ll know more soon.

The funny thing is how people start…it starts with a sharp pain that you can’t ignore, the sudden tiredness and memory problems. Patients almost always have other problems that seem to be under control. The problems seems to start after an accident or illness.

This brings me to what I’m getting at. Is that really when it starts? What if it happens earlier and we just don’t notice or dismiss it? What if this isn’t a sudden thing as it seems but rather reaching an unavoidable peak?

I assumed a lot of things about myself. Even when I was in great shape in my twenties walking hurt. Exercise was exhausting and extremely painful. As a child I would sit out of gym class because it was too painful to run. I assumed that this was normal for everyone. Sharp stabbing pains in my arms when I write with a pen or pencil, thighs not being able to move after block of walking, fingers aching after kneading dough, crazy fog about the brain for no reason other, falling asleep in the middle of the day, I thought that was normal for everyone.

So when I reached the point of realizing that no one I know finds this normal, I felt awful. Pain and exhaustion. It sucked.

But really is that when it started?

I am Eating Chicken for Breakfast Again Today

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I woke up this morning and couldn’t walk.

Let me back up…I’ve been neglecting this blog for two reasons, time is money and frankly my life has been boring. We not boring but whiny. It’s bad enough I’ve been subjecting my Twitter and Facebook followers to the pain I’m in and the the medication I’m taking. I don’t want to write about that here. I want to write about the fact that currently have two, almost three, amazing web design contracts. That one of the most amazing websites I’ve ever done has gone down and the company seems to have gone out of business. That I’m revising “Get ‘Em Where You Can” and I’m looking for a market for it. That my novel has stopped because spring and winter have happened twice and summer never came. Or that my Serenity RPG group is awesome in ways should put fear in your hearts. Or that I really want to play Warhammer RPG next week. And I gave up my car and I have lot of documents to sign and I have to go find a notary tonight so that maybe my house will sell.

But this morning, the first morning after I have ramped up the Lyric, a medication that I can’t afford but seems to have stopped the pain, this morning I couldn’t walk because of the dizzy.

Dizziness has been a side of effect of most drugs I’ve taken in my life. Yours probably too. But it’s never actually happened. I feel high like I’ve taken more than two Percoset and dizzy like I’ve drunk three white russians. I’m in no pain. This is good…but I can’t function…this is bad.

Conundrum.

I finally made to the office after reading Just a Geek by Wil Wheaton (I bought it on my G1, yes I feel cool, shut up). It’s inspiring really. So I’m going to finish up one website today and get another almost done. Tomorrow I have conference call with one client and meeting with a second. I can’t drive because I don’t have a car and because, shit, driving like this is going to net me a DUI. I can’t seem to get past the TOS on Adsense. So I guess I’m denied.

Damn.

This is the closest I get to drunk blogging. Enjoy!

Things I’m Not Doing

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Sweeping Epic Gothic! That’s how best to describe Bellefleur by Joyce Carol Oates…a book I’m no longer reading because the prose drowns you.

Drowns I tell you.

I made it one third of the way through the book and couldn’t take it any more. I couldn’t breath, think without despair and I didn’t care about anyone.

Didn’t help the book started with a drowning either.

So that book went to Black & Read…they didn’t want it either. I’m having trouble with the O’s. Besides O’Dell (Island of the Blue Dolphins and Zia) and my current book I’ve dropped Kevin O’Donnell of the brink for his boring, make me do math, Sci Fi snoozer Fire on the Border. Then there was Tawni O’Dell’s murder most foul and unlikable character tome Back Roads. At least I made through Twilight and got many hours of entertainment out of it with making of the fun. These I couldn’t even deal with. It is possible the Edwin O’Connor books might end up on the same pile…but they are at least readable so far.

Also I’m apparently not selling my house. The banks said no at the last minute before closing and the buyer pulled out because she can’t get a conventional loan or pay cash only. Frell…anyone want a house?

I have a ton of other things to do then leak money. Don’t worry, I’d be in this same position had a kept my day job. Worse actually, because I’d be letting down folks other than myself. The room cleansing continues.

We’re not getting a bread maker. The broken one J. bought still sits in the kitchen. He called Cuisinart, who agreed to replace it. Apparently they didn’t say what they’d replace it with. So far we have an espresso maker, and a brick oven (I kid you not) sitting next to the broken bread maker. We give in Cuisinart…we’ll just bake the old fashioned way.

Finally, I am not on schedule. Damn. Kick me now.