So I finally picked up the book that everyone (mostly) has been raving about. And I’m going to point out something that so far, no one has.

Twilight is a formulaic gothic romance.

Really. It’s been done before doesn’t even begin to cover it. I must be the only one left alive who still reads gothic romance. I grew up with the likes of Victoria Holt (Under many names) and Thomas Hardy. I’ve reviewed several on this blog. Meyer is no where near their level, but that doesn’t change the genre. Even Andre Norton has tried her hand at a couple.

First a Definition: Gothic Romances can take place during any time period, but generally happen between 1860 and 1930. The concentrate on a heroine and her main suitors. Darkeness abounds, so does mystery. Happy endings are always not quite. The entire novel is the heroine giving all to be with the hero. For whatever reason you can spot older gothic romances by the cover. A girl, in a gown is running usually away from a large, imposing, dark castle or down a long dark hall or through a field at night. Think Thomas Hardy, who wrote during the Romanticism Era. That’s classic gothic romance, but people still write these novels. Most take place in the real word. Very few have real fantastic elements. Purple prose is the mainstay of these novels. For the record, I like purple prose. Sue me.

The first thing you do when reading a gothic romance is to look up who the author is. Almost all of them are written under a pen name. Most (not all) are written by men pretending to be women (such a reversal from Sci Fi authors and straight fiction authors). After reading Twilight I looked up Stephenie Meyer. I was surprised she was woman. Go her.

Let me give you the plot formula.

Girl is sent/abandoned/makes the decision/lost/forced to head to live/work with a rich/powerful lord/family/father/friend. The girl then falls madly in lust with the only eligible bachelor, despite there really being others (I have read at least on GR where there was only one male character and in the end the girl’s “choice” was due to lack of options). Some huge family secret is revealed (either the hero’s, the heroine’s or in some cases both (if you were thinking incest at both, you’re headed down the right path)).

Girl is weak, needs protection, is in constant danger from rivals/family/crazy gardeners/etc. Girl is usually an idiot.

She and her soul mate usually fight a lot.

Near the end of the book, the author puts in conflict…which the bad ones don’t do well and the good ones weave into the story. Most of the time it’s forced.

Almost all the characters except the two lovers to be are flat window dressing for the love affair, so is the scenery, locals, and random character habits.

So Twilight has been a not so surprising trip down memory lane. I tend to love a good gothic romance. But this book isn’t in the good category, just mediocre.

GR’s have a problem with making their idiot helpless females likable. Most aren’t. Some really are. Bella isn’t. She’s a whiny self-centered brat who doesn’t really read, has no love of learning and is generally annoying.

I like “squishy green stuff” as she put it. I want to punt her to the curb every time she complains about the plants.

And what the hell seasons does this book take place in? The forest is always wet and green…even in winter. It snows once? Has Mrs. Meyer every been north? Does she even know how snow works? Look, here in the west we are blessed with good weather all year down in the southern section. I live north enough to see snow a lot. I’ve lived in the mountains enough to know why some of the forest stays green (aka evergreen plants and trees), even I know not everything is green all year round. Winter is gray, darling. Really.

And Edward: Creepy ass stalker. S. if your reading this…think your ex-husband. I hate to tell you ladies but when a man keeps you away from your friends, having a life, and follows you around…that’s ABUSE.

I’d like to talk about the plot now: Bella goes to Forks, Washington so her mother can have a second childhood. She moves in with her father, who dotes on her (so naturally she hates him) and goes to the local public school. There she meets Edward Cullen. He keeps saving her from cars and rapists. Some of the local NA tribe tell her about Edward’s family of Vampires. She doesn’t question this logic at all (Jacob, the NA who tells her about it does, but then he seems to have brains..I’m told in later books they leak out), and does a Google search. As others have noted, this is the most inane Google search on the planet. Not that it matters because Meyer just makes up some stuff anyway. Don’t worry, none of the details that come up in the first 400 pages matter, Meyer ignores all of them after she’s written them down.

So then Edward and Bella decide to be a “couple”. This reminds me of my first date….though this goes on for awhile. They don’t touch in public, kind of. They hide the fact from Bella’s father (who likes the Cullen’s btw). This happens by page 200. It goes on like this for another 175 pages when we reach CONFLICT!

In the mean time the only important thing to note is that Bella is in charge of eating the food and following Edward’s orders (sounds like fattening up doesn’t it? Wait for it). Edward Cullen is part of a breed of vampire called Sparklepire, who also eats food, just raw and full of blood. They sparkle. It’s very swoon worthy. (I’m told in the second book we get to see the special ability of the local NA: fursplode!). Sparklepires also feel icy (except if you warm them for a bit), look perfect and breath air. They also have minty fresh breath and shoot Dentine commercials. No, wait…. Oh and they want to be virgins till their married. But this is hard to tell if it’s just Edward, or his human upbringing. Do Sparklepires have sex with other Sparklepires? Of course they do. Intensely.

We also learn that Edward really isn’t in love with Bella, but that she’s the BEST FOOD EVER! Really, Meyer devotes nearly 10 pages to this. Apparently there are certain humans out their that are like Beluga Caviar to Sparklepires. Each Sparklepire instantly wants to eat these people and it’s like the best food sex one can have next to Davie Bowie covered in dark chocolate holding a pomojito and white cheese popcorn on a beach in Mexico.

Wait, where were we?

Oh yeah, Bella. So Bella is truffle next to the other Hershey bars at school. That’s not even lust, not to mention love(you other reviewers are too kind). And during this deep revelation what does Bella do?

Be filled with compassion for his suffering. Gag. This is like Jello Pudding being sorry you’re on a diet. I mean come on:

“Bella, I couldn’t live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don’t know how it’s tortured me.”

Translation: If I ate you, my butt would look big and I’d hate myself for giving into temptation. How does anyone not read that as food guilt? The worst part? He’s saying everything she wants to hear so she won’t hear the awful truth. Manipulative much? Dear gods, I want to eat the fondue too, but if I distract you won’t notice right? HE’S PLAYING WITH HIS FOOD!!!!

Don’t you just love it when your SO calls you Little Coward. Yeah, I’d smack him too. The sad part about this is that there are some well written parts that catch the attention. Like when Edward begins talking about his family. It’s interesting, it’s story. But then it’s quickly over.

So after nearly 400 pages of the wondrous adventures of Princess Shallow Hormone Caviar and the Sparklepires (makes you want to poop rainbows and ponies doesn’t it?) we reach CONFLICT!

I’m going to stop for a moment. Go watch the South Park Society of Vampires. Really. This is what Twilight is doing to our youth. After you’re done peeing your pants I’ll spoil the novel for you.

Done? Good? Never thought you’d cheer for goths huh?

Right. So up until CONFLICT! we have a two people falling in lust and starvation then mooning at each other. Through out this we get some nice preachiness about free will. Keep in mind, it’s Edward who has the right to free will, Bella isn’t allowed to have it. She doesn’t get to choose better. At best it’s bet if she gets dizzy or all freaky on Edward tight little ass.

And before CONFLICT! there is baseball….which is more than stupid.  A ball and an aluminum bat cannot possibly make enough sound for people hear in town.  Not to mention if the ball was thrown as hard as Meyer claims…it would crush the stupid bat.  I can can crush a stupid aluminum bat using a normal swing and a steel guard rail.  There is no way in hell I’m as strong as her Sparklepires…but then maybe I’m a Sparklepire….hrm no.  No glitter in the sun.  I wonder if I head to Claire’s and get some body glitter and roll in it.  Will I be a Sparklepire then?  Okay now I’m stuck on why bodies smack like boulders.  The stone thing is stupid.  I’ve decided.  Just skip over the baseball chapter…it doesn’t make any sense.   I mean if Meyer want to have the other Sparklepires go after Bella.  I can’t wrap my head around it.

Okay:  CONFLICT!  I mean it this time.  Okay so random Sparklepires show up at the game.  The game was solely setup to plate Bella as the only available food.  (As apposed to the whole town of Forks a few miles away…which now seems super funny as an ala cart Sparklepire feast bowl.  Forks…heh).  Anyway Bella has be conveniently plated as food for incoming Sparklepires…which upsets Edward, because she’s his caviar.  And instead of saying, “Hey that’s okay…we’ll just go to the Forks smorgasbord down the street,” they kinda get all comfy with the proselytizing ways of Carlisle (come to the way of the Sparklepire!).

Okay bet time!  Good Sparkles have butterscotch eyes and bad Sparkles have garnet eyes!  Who wants to bet that Meyer was a RainbowBrite fan.  I know I was!

Okay I promise I’ll stay on topic.  It’s just hard….I mean…how does smacking stone sound like baseball to all Sparkles?  Is it like the universal Sparkle call to baseball. Meyer your Quidditch-fu is weak and pointless.  We don’t need random sports in a novel.  Really…first rule…if it doesn’t further the story along…take it out!  Does Sparkle baseball always attract other Sparkles?  Okay, no stop it, Michelle…stay on target.

CONFLICT!

So the new French Sparkles decide that they want to get a shower and listen to Carlisle preach the way of the Sparklepire.  They do notice Bella and lick their lips, but the Sparkles whisk her away quickly because obviously they are going to eat her and only her no matter what.

Stop for a sec.  If they are going north…why did they come down from Ontario?…seriously…get a map.

Back to eating the caviar.  Why only her?  Because one of the French Sparklepires is a tracker…and that means absolutely fucking nothing.

So Edward takes her to Phoenix.  And the French Sparkles are so hungry for caviar that they skip over a couple million people just to hit that.  The worst part is that Meyer explains it…you see it’s Bella’s fault (ABUSE ALERT) for being caviar.  Ladies, lesson time.  When a man puts you in a dangerous situation and then claims it’s your fault for, yah know, being, it’s time to get out of that relationship now.

I’d love to tell you about all the wild CONFLICT!, but we quickly go from that to waiting in a hotel room….for a long time.  Meyer decides this is the time explain how the Sparklepire works.  We learn they have pain venom and are really Sharky Sparklepires…they like blood so much it makes them go squee.  (Okay she had to have been watching too much Little Nemo at this point….really).  So now Bella is the Sparkles’ Fishy Friend.  (ZOMG did I just write that?)

Then CONFLICT! rears it’s ugly head again as James (the evil tracking Sparklepire who likes caviar), tricks Bella into running away from the other Sparkles, because he’ll hurt her mother.  It’s only been a day…maybe two.  Bella never thinks trap or zomghowdidhegettofloridaandback.  But that’s okay, Bella is an idiot…in case you forgot.

If this were a horror movie, this is the part where the audience yells, don’t answer the phone, call the police!  To her credit she does write a note.  But then this is Bella.  She runs straight to James, who points out she has the personality of a wet paper towel.  And then he decides to eat her…after his Bond Bad Guy Monologue.  Meyer gets you worked up as James starts breaking bones.  But the CONFLICT! is over…cause Bella faints.

Oops.

Then we get a weird montage of pain, Edward, Bella, pain, Edward, Bella….then Edward sucks the poison out of her hand.  Ew…Rattlesnake Sharky Sparklepires.  And then…that’s it.  The rest of the novel has Bella begging to be made a Sparklepire.  She’s stupid so she gets dressed up for prom thinking it’s the Sparklepire making ritual.  And she begs some more.  Though I’d like to say Edward refuses for her own good…his misogyny extends so that it seems he’s just keeping it from as a way to control her.

If you love this book..all I can say blargh…go read more.  Bad books get longer reviews because the reader wants to get some entertainment value out of the wasted hours.  Good reviews are short and sweet because we don’t want to ruin the lovelyness of the good book.  Frankly I’m going to need an excellent book to wash this out of my head.