Yesterday I forgot to put coffee in my coffee.
I put in the brown sugar, some hot water to water it down, vanilla, cloves, cinnamon, nutmeg and some cocoa powder, then walked back to my desk and took a drink of tepid mud water. Yuk. This is a larger issue though, something that has been building for years. A general fog has taken over my life and I can’t seem to find my way out of it.
It’s more than just forgetting things. It’s not hearing the words that are said to me. I can’t seem to pay attention to them. I’m easily overwhelmed and cannot remember what I was going say, or do, or promised. I’m missing time. Entire days go by and I can’t remember what I did and I live in fear of losing my job. Of losing everything.
I can’t function.
It’s so hard to write this. I’m not writing. Everything is a struggle to complete and my only calming measure is to check out, and just not do.
It’s not that I don’t pay attention, It’s that I forgot how.
Two weeks ago I was pushed to get tested. My hearing is fine, my brain is fineish, my bloodwork fine. Anxiety meds don’t do anything. So it’s time to try something else. Last week, I was given an answer and next week I get to start doing something about it: ADHD.
I’m coming off the anxiety meds so I can start ADHD meds. I don’t have anyone but myself to keep me organized and track. So I made the decision to find away to do that.