Driving a 2006 Cadillac STS

J.’s car was totaled last week. So Friday he bought a 2006 Cadillac STS.

The car is freaky.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s a nice car. It drives like a sports car; it’s fun. But the thing is freaky. J. gave me my own set of keys so that he doesn’t have to die a horrible squished death after I’ve gotten in. That’s because the car remembers who you are.

So when I got behind the wheel for the first time with my fob (car comes with a key but there is nothing to put the key in), the car unlocks for me (you don’t actually have to push buttons on the fob, but they’re there) and I sat down. I pushed the ignition button and all hell broke loose.

The wheel jumped out of my hands then pinned my legs down and blocked my view of the odometer. It also backed out of my reach. The seat dropped way down and moved and nearly crushed my daughter in the back seat as it laid down over where she narrowly jumped out of the way. The time changed on the navigator display, all the mirrors move out of usability range and the radio station programmed itself for an oldies station. Helpfully the display said Hi Jerry!.

J. showed me how to program the fob not to do that ever again. However I was still trapped by the steering wheel. We started pushing buttons because the wheel had no lever like my car to move it. I found out the display under the odometer will tell you all kinds of things…it even has an egg timer (seriously). Finally I found a knobby thing and moved the steering wheel, saved my settings and we were off.

Now keep in mind it was the 14th, so the St. Paddy’s Blockades were up. That’s why I panicked when I got on the highway and realized everything had changed to the metric system. J., still buzzed on beer, is trying to convert miles to kilometers on the fly because the STS doesn’t let you mess with settings while driving (that’s a good thing actually). Then the brights went on, then off, then on. I kept trying to turn them off manually but the car kept insisting they should be on now.

I had no idea how fast I was going but I made it home. J. then freaked out because it didn’t change back to the English system when he got in (he also accidentally erased his settings when he was trying to fix mine). So I got back in the Carrie car and looked at the buttons on the opposite side of the from the navigation/dvd player system.

Apparently one lets you cycle through info on the dash, another dims dash lights. Another one appears to do nothing…there is a hood opener but nothing for the trunk. And then there is EM.

Laugh all you want but there’s supposed to be a / there. So now that we are off the metric system the car seems okay. It even tells me Hi Michelle! now.

The clock thing we haven’t figured out though.

I’m gonna do what I should’ve done in the first place. I’ll find her, wherever she is, tie her up, torture her… until she likes me again.Spike






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